To Boddah pronounced
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would
rather be an emasculated, infantile camplainee. This note should be pretty
easy to understand. All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the
years. Since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with
independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true.
I haven't felt the exitement of listening to as well as creating music along
with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words
about these things. For example when we're backstage and the lights go out and
the manic roar of the crowd begins it doesn't affect me the way in which it
did for Freddy Mercury who seemed to love. (?)relish in the love and adoration
from the crowd. Which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is I
can't fool you. Any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst
crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as
if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch in time
clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to
appreciate it, (and I do. God, believe me I do, but it's not enough. I
appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of
people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when
they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to
regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child. On our last three tours I've had
a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally and as
fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and
empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply
love people too much. So much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad
little, sensitive, unappreciative, pisces, Jesus man! Why don't you just enjoy
it? I don't know. I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy
and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be. Full of love and
joy kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her
no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function.
I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable self-destructive,
death rocker that I've become. I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful,
but since the age of seven I've become hateful towards all humans in general.
Only because it seems so easy for people to get along, and have empathy.
Empathy! Only because I love and feel for people too much I guess. Thank you
all from the pit of my burning nauseous stomach for your letters and concern
during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have
the passion anymore and so remember, its better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy. Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney
for Frances
for her life which will be so much happier
without me. I Love you. I love you!
Devious Journal Entry
